In general, doubt is the middle position between knowledge and ignorance. Doubt might encompass cynicism, but also genuine questioning. In the context of relationships doubt often takes the backseat, because its very existence leads to regret -which is a huge no-no in today’s hollow love subculture.
No matter how much you let doubt in, there are those encounters and choices in different relationships where you look back, and you feel like you have been drunk for the entire relationship –like the one I had with Golady. The fact that there is association between the relationship and the feeling of drunkenness encompasses doubt in the judgment within the context.
For instance, one of the visual events I can never forget happened when there was a conversation between Golady and I around the contradiction between her conventional nature and my unshackled mindset. When it was obvious that the gap wasn’t to be filled, it seemed thousands of crystal shards of all sizes suddenly explode around her all at once, creating shallow scratches to deep wounds as some embed themselves deep into her flesh. While shaking her heaad in disbelief, the corner of her lips pulled up faintly. She looked up momentarily and tried to mentally shrug off the pain…
Many years have passed, but I still vividly remember that moment and doubt as to whether or not I handled it gracefully. Yes, it is safe to say that Golady was conventional by nature which is very much unlike me. But the doubt that still clouds that moment cries: if conformity and rebelliousness can agree on anything, it is that sometimes it’s worth betting on unorthodoxy of the heart.