During the holiday season, I cleared out my backlog of books, articles, and films. Here are the quotes I found funny / clever:

— If a girl likes you, she won’t eat pizza in front of you
— Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains
— I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just genetic
— She’s a little heavy on the Botox and Chanel No. 5, but she’s nice
— Half of people have a penis but everyone is afraid to look at it
— I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking: I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains