It’s been a long time since my last posting. Generally, I write because writing allows me to be relentless. Through the process of writing, I can accurately unravel things and put them back together. That’s a hazardous exercise. Like any other creative process, writing could be fragile because you’re always at the edge – trying to constantly reassess the danger-free zone. In that context, first hand experimentation of the things we write about, could be destructive in real life – because mystery could simply become confusion.

The fact is, I started posting my writings on this blog because I wanted some people to read them. In a mischievous way, I have been hoping that some people would read my postings more than others. Because, there has always been a real story behind everything I wrote. Except, I’ve been unfailingly faithful to "the code" of not mentioning names. Because, the discussion should always be about the problem and not about the people. Last weekend, I had a come-to-Jesus moment with myself. I thought I can’t stop writing just because it takes a long time and great deal of energy to abstract problems away from people …

… every good idea starts like a boutique. You do your thing in the corner, and you get noticed after a while. And then, the attention becomes a problem either by the virtue of perception, or by the state of preference. I know my writing style could be perceived as if I critique a great deal. But read my postings as if: it is just you, me, and a beer …

Seattle grows on you. The grumpy weather, everyone’s tendency to cocoon, and of course the polite but distant Seattleites with the attitude of "have a nice day, somewhere else". The last one being the most interesting subject for me as it feeds my fussy and choosy tendencies.

Seattleites mostly commune through talking to coworkers or someone random – hoping the conversation will last beyond the third sentence. Women go to brunch or happy hours, with potential friends, being just like "Sex and the City" she’ll be Charlotte, you’ll be Carrie! Guys drink local hoppy beer with bitterness and aroma in the corner bars with wooden stools. "Seattle is like that popular girl in high school. The one who gets your vote for homecoming queen because she always smiles and says hello. But she doesn’t know your name and doesn’t care to".

In such city, if you’re a product of your environment, the concept of friendship tips over to something new that’s reminiscent of submitting to a shotgun wedding, rather than picking your suitor. In Seattle, friends are mostly of fellow transplants. They are very nice in passing situations, but beyond that there’s a wall, and there is mistrust. In other cities or countries, there are people around you constantly. They come over and hang out and then they hang out some more. Those are the times you really get to know people and develop friendship.

Friendship is a byproduct of trust, awareness of feelings of others, and to a lesser extent: frequent interaction no matter how deep or meaningful. You can take the bar for friendship as high/low as you want, you can categorize people to friends, acquaintance, or best friends, and you can play with words as much as you want, but, there is value and a sense of appreciation in a familiar face. That’s just human nature.

It leaves me all baffled about what friendship will look like in a few years in this carefree city. It seems like it’s declining in quality, even though I now have a few hundred online friends who poke me everyday.

The other day, I sat down with a friend to talk about a problem. While having a beer, I described the context, told the story, and explained my issues with some of the details of the story. I also rationalized that those issues bother me because they’re fundamentally against my values. He listened to me for almost half an hour. I thought I actually did a pretty good job laying out my case – naively hoping, he would draw his own conclusions and that would help me get a balancing perspective on the issues. Instead, his response was "What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger" and then silence … I felt betrayed and was one second away from saying "no shit!" … I was looking for the smallest indication of a brain on the other side.

Arguments and discussions, if carried out logically, are the most educating forms of communication. They usually include facts, premises, and assumptions. A logical and practical way of getting engaged in a discussion is to accept the facts, validate the assumptions, and embrace or argue against the premises. That’d be a meaningful discussion.

People have become so consumed and comfortable with empty expressions that add no value to the conversation. Hollow phrases and proverbs like "Life is short", "Everything happens for a reason", and "what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger" do not hold any logical or commonsensical significance in any discussion because they can be an answer to anything – without actually validating, embracing, or challenging any specifics. There is no doubt that the value of a story or discussion resides in its details. One feels heard and listened to when the listener reflects on the details of the narrative.

To make it a little more fun, let me actually prove that some of these proverbs are incomplete, inaccurate, and/or incorrect:

"Life is short" :
Whose life? How short is short? Two years or hundred years? Lack of what specification makes our lives short? If each of us could live two hundred years, would that be long enough? Is life short for having more fun, or is it short for collecting more knowledge? The fact is that life is not that short, it’s not even relatively short in comparison with the life of a butterfly. The people who use this expression are the ones who want to make an excuse to be less thoughtful and more irresponsible.

"What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger" :
What does "strong" mean? Physical or mental strength? Are we only talking about physical death? How about emotional or mental death? Are people really stronger after massive emotional or mental declines? Heroin addiction doesn’t immediately kill you, but while you’re alive are you stronger because of it? Have you ever experienced or felt the prolong pain involved in loss of a child? Psychological and mental research of parents who have lost a child proves that they are less resilient and more vulnerable against emotional hardship. They are never emotionally stronger for the rest of their lives.

"Everything happens for a reason" :
Everything does not happen for "a reason". Everything happens for multiple reasons and that’s the root of Einstein’s relative theory. The challenge isn’t to find out whether or not there are reasons. The challenge is to know the quantity and nature of those reasons and the direction thru which you can identify them. Individuals who believe in this proverb generally find themselves in hard situations. They tend to think there is a "good" reason behind a "bad" incident. The contrast of a "good thing" versus a "bad incident" that is presently in occurrence, makes them believe that something good will eventually happen in the future, and that is the prize of the current hardship. They’re also comfortable not knowing what that "good thing" is, and of course always, "something good" will happen which somewhat relates to the "bad incident". This comforting connection justifies the relevance of this proverb. Most of the people who believe in this expression, also believe that we are all actors on a stage with predestined parts and scripts. Everything has been designed. Life is about finding the missing pieces, fixing the broken pieces, and getting rid of the pieces that don’t fit. They are not adept to abstract thinking, they find huge comfort in black and white way of thinking.

I have been asking myself some serious questions lately. Kind of keeping it real. No matter how strong your conviction are, if you have a touch of humility, you should suspect or at minimum reexamine your opinions and principles – every now and then. To keep myself in check, my personal rule has always been: if it takes you more than one minute to identify an asshole around you, then you are the asshole.

Keeping yourself in check is all about asking yourself uncompromising and hard questions. At times too much humility leads into letting others walk all over you in life. But what if one of your principles is to stay intellectually curious, socially selfless, and personally conscious!

One of the serious questions that has been swirling around my head is the question of "Do I have enough?". And by that I mean enough of everything. It’s indeed a loaded question but if one can find the answer, then bliss will follow. The question at the core is: Enough compare to what or who? It is absolutely clear that comparison and difference is hidden beneath the question. It goes back to the same majestic belief of Human Beings Always Compare. They compare parallel or different things and weigh them for their claims to be greater. These comparisons take place in multiple ways and in association with multiple groups of people such as:

  – Inner Community: Family and Friend
  – Extended Community: Neighbors, High School friends, Coworkers, Childhood pals, …
  – Some Sameness: Same city, Same Opinion, Same Hobby, Same Employer, …

I venture to say that comparison with the first and last group is simply stupid and pointless. For instance, if I’m comparing my life with my brother and sister’s, something else is profoundly wrong with my value system and life priorities. On the other hand, if I care to weigh myself against the people of the "same" category, then I have let myself down – because my life has become a pursuit of "approval of others".

I’m just thinking out loud here and the answer (if exists) seems to be getting complicated more and more … I’m continuing to think and write about this. In the meantime, I ran into an interesting and relevant piece from Bob Sutton which states:

"… This attitude fuels a quest for constant improvement that has a big upside, leading to everything from more beautiful athletic and artistic performances, to more elegant and functional products, to better surgical procedures and medicines, to more effective and humane organizations. Yet when taken too far, this blend of constant dissatisfaction, unquenchable desires, and overbearing competitiveness can damage your mental health. It can lead you to treat those "below" you as inferior creatures who are worthy of your disdain and people "above" you who have more stuff and status as objects of envy and jealousy.
Again, a bit of framing can help. Tell yourself, "I have enough." Certainly, some people need more than they have, as many people on earth still need a safe place to live, enough good food to eat, and other necessities. But too many of us are never satisfied and feel constantly slighted, even though – by objective standards – we have all we need to live a good life. I got this idea from a lovely little poem that Kurt Vonnegut published in The New Yorker called "Joe Heller," which was about the author of the renowned World War II novel Catch 22. The poem describes a party that Heller and Vonnegut attended at a billionaire’s house. Heller remarks to Vonnegut that he has something that the billionaire can never have, "The knowledge that I’ve got enough." These wise words provide a frame that can help you be at peace with yourself and to treat those around you with affection and respect …"

Guys often read in magazines and hear from female friends that women obsessively analyze and look for hidden meanings in every casual utterance that men make, but men don’t really believe it to be true. Such analysis actually scares men. For instance, when a guy dashes off "See You Soon" at the end of the conversation, the last thing in his mind is that such inconsequential note would end up being dissected in a therapy session – or discussed during three and half hours of conversation at the corner bar and over a glass of cheap rose.

The sad truth is that "see you soon" doesn’t mean anything at all. It doesn’t mean he likes you or he doesn’t like you or even that he will see you soon, or he won’t. It is a phrase that ends the conversation as meaningful as "later" or "best". It is a code to show that the message has ended. It might as well be "bye". It has no emotional or practical significance whatsoever. In that context, the true indicator of a guy’s feelings is not what formula he chooses to close his letters with, but the fact that he hasn’t called or emailed you. Men don’t really require such fine analysis. You’ll know it when a guy is asking you out, for instance. He will do it like "Would you like to have dinner with me?" or "You wanna grab a bite?" depending on who you choose to hang out with. This is as multi-layered as it gets with a half decent guy.

Human beings are obsessed with alleged reasons and pretext because such concepts provides them with means that could be comfortably and incorrectly perceived as wisdom or quality sense of judgment. The fact, however, is that alleged reasons remain to be as valid as prestidigitation or cold-reading!

I don’t know the source if this piece but I found it interesting enough to post it on my blog.

"I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you’re too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally…you finish off as an orgasm."

I don’t watch entertaining movies or shows. I have never watched Star Wars, or even one Episode of Seinfield which is not to say that they can’t be entertaining. I’ve come to the conclusion that what’s valuable for me is to set standards for what I choose to watch, not to just watch any popular film. Such choice is not an end point, it is a beginning point which decries the idea that entertainment is all there is in movies.

Movies could work as a form of entertainment, but fundamentally they don’t. Because they sufficiently conform to the "pop culture", a trend I’ve strongly and passionately detested for such long time.

That being said, let me suggest some movies that provide a better idea as to what my point is:

– Smoking Aces, by: Joe Carnahan
– A Good Year, by: Ridley Scott
– Men at Work, by: Mani Haghighi
– Youth without Youth, by: Francis Ford Coppola
– Married Life, by: Ira Sacks
– Dancing with Shiva, by: Jonathan Demme
– When Did You Last See Your Father, by: Anand Tucker
– The Diving Bell and The Butterfly, by: Julian Schnabel
– The Witnesses, by: Andre Techine

Have you ever felt like life is mentally grueling on you? Sitting home whining and crying why me? Poor me! … continuing on recalling every reason that justifies: you’re the most miserable fuck in the history of mankind! You feel like you’re coming back from your own funeral!

Back in 1991 when I was a student in university of Toronto, my quantum physics professor was Mr. Richards (he insisted on being called Mr. Richards) who was from Scotland. I loved his accent when I understood what the hell he was saying. I specially loved the way he would pronounce Time as "Tame" and at times asking "Whaar’s yer boke?". He looked like a concerned fox who dressed for Star Wars convention. One day and in the middle of the semester, he expanded on twin paradox, in which a person who makes a journey into space in a high-speed rocket will return home to find they have aged less than an identical twin brother who stayed on Earth. This experiment has been verified and is confirmed by many inventions around us.

On that day and after the twin paradox class, I stopped Mr. Richard in the hallway and impishly asked "Mr. Richards, which one of the two brothers is lying?". He replied "Neither, they’re both correct in their own perspective". I continued by saying "it can’t be, we know what the facts are and we know the measurements. "Oh yeah!?" he replied and continued "That’s your perspective Kaam, and welcome to the world of many true and accurate perspectives, you young man". He then judiciously turned around and walked away thru the long hallway while was still staring straight thru my eyes and shaking his head that looked like a half crushed watermelon.

Now and after nearly sixteen years, I’m forced to remember that lesson every day. The truth is, we are unsure about the truth. Facts are subjective and depend on interpretation and perspective.

Miserable days come and go! The truth of the matter, if exists, always lies somewhere in the middle of the mess. A few things are for sure though, never believe in someone who talks about Life more than Love! Never listen to anyone who doesn’t believe in truth paradox. Never trust anyone who presses on utter bliss.

 

A relationship can span from a work association to an intimate affair. The way people end a relationship reveals deep inside who they are! If someone can deal with the ending of something with the same level of care and gentleness as the beginning of it, that will speak to a deep seeded strength and profound consideration for things that don’t necessarily benefit him or her.

Recently, I have been coming around a slew of narcissistic people with the same slapdash attitude towards surroundings and relationships. They believe in love at the first sight. They only fall in love with people who have already fallen in love with them. They end their relationships with complete ignorance toward the values they persist to necessitate … those hypocrites with ample mastery in deception.

Nothing in this world can take the place of prudence and forethought. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Narcissistic and gum-chewing dismissal of people around us has never solved and will never solve the problems of the human race.