Do you think:

  – Most people are honest?
  – If you like someone, you should tell that person what s/he wants to hear?
  – The best way to earn someone’s respect is to be kind and honest?
  – The best way to earn someone’s loyalty is show him or her your power?
  – There are no absolute rights and wrongs. "Right" is what works?
  – Most people are extremely selfish?
  – A promise is a sacred trust?
  – Nice guys finish last?

The answers to these questions can disclose how Machiavellian you are! Machiavellian, the multifaceted propensity to deceive and manipulate others for your own gain.

"High Machs tend to take a more detached, calculating approach in their interaction with other people. They tend to believe most people are concerned only with their own well-being and to depend too much on anyone else is foolish. They believe some of the most efficient ways to achieve a goal are to use deception, rewards, promises, flattery, and even punishments to manipulate others into doing their bidding.

Low Machs tend to take a more personal, empathic approach in their interaction with other people. They tend to be more trusting of others and more honest. They believe humans are essentially good natured. At the extreme, low Machs tend to be passive, submissive, highly agreeable, dependent and socially inept; in contrast with those who are more Machiavellian, they have before also tend to believe that everyone has a good and bad side"

Are you a low or high Mach? Come on! You have some Mach in you. Don’t you?

 

I’m usually fascinated by subjects that don’t immediately urge me to place an opinion. Online dating is one of those … a few weeks ago, I had dinner with an old friend and during our long conversation she said "I’ve put a profile on one of these dating sites and I go on a lot of dates with strange guys". For some unknown reason our conversation temporarily got to a tongue-tied place after that disclosure …

… eating …
… long silence …
… eating more …
… awkward silence again …
… eating with vengeance …
… not looking at each other, but continuing to eat …
… heaving a sigh …

"Why don’t you say anything? You always have an opinion" said she! I really didn’t know what to say. I had no opinion one way or the other! She continued by asking "Have you ever dated online?" … "No" I replied and explained the reason by saying "it’s difficult for women to know me after years in relationship, how could such motionless correspondence work for me? Besides, People use ‘I’ a lot and sometimes they pretend to be someone else, and …". She didn’t like what I said and passionately challenged me by saying "Why don’t you try to write something honest about yourself that doesn’t include ‘I’ too much?"

Ever since then, I have been thinking about that petite and clumsy interaction. Mainly, I’ve been trying to find the main reason behind the silence! I could be really straight forward with her, sadly, I had nothing to say. On the one hand, there are indeed some (on-the-surface) success stories. On the other hand, there are many reservations about meeting potential lovers online.

Love by concept, is highly circumstantial and contingent. They are few and far between, but there are people out there whose introductions reflect their personality in ways which are rare, fictitious, and unique. Filled with visual appeal and literary charm, they break preconceived molds allowing the world to get a glimpse of their matchlessness and substance. I still can’t frame my mind around the subject despite the fact that there are not many things that make me happier than knowing one of my friends has found a committed lover.

That being said, I took my friend’s challenge very seriously and tried to put something together if I ever had to introduce myself online. Here it is:

((   My name is Kamran, a man who bathes every day, believes in princesses, quality women, and other fantasy creatures – but fortunately, you don’t have to kiss the frog to discover me. My understanding is that women often seem to be like phones: they like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected. Willingness to share the remote, jumping on Opera’s couch, and vacuuming the house are amongst my compromises — when in a loving relationship. Giving gifts is an incomparable gesture for me, however, it is my belief that electrical appliances, cooking utensils, or lanterns are not adequate gifts for a lover. There is indeed a mischievous inner child in me. While opening the door for you, my inner child might tempt me to trip you on the way in. Like a dream job, excellent benefits will be paid by me but you have to pay taxes. I support you like your bra, tirelessly and as long as necessary, and you better show up at my soccer games and watch me yelling at and with 22 adult men. Last not least, if we end up in a relationship, I’m willing to lie about how we met! ))

In olden times when wishing still helped us, there was a man who had let go of the big-man-theory of life. He was startling, passionate, and impatient. His identity came from within and had nothing to do with what others thought of him. For him, the only measure of a person was: one’s heart and instincts. He was gentle and keen on your emotional wounds – because he sincerely believed you learn from something that leads to a mess. He liked to live with the invisible people who pass by everyday, the ones who live in someone’s heart — not the ones in minds.

In the span of a lifetime, there are very limited number of events that have the command to make you think everyday, and by that, I mean every single day! If that’s a flaw, my imperfection comes from my vivacious memories of all that I saw from him. I guess, if we’re predestined to believe in some form of impartiality in life, I got mine from his friendship.

It is painful, and hard, to write about the loss of a cherished friend. Hamid Khaddad was just that!

 

"Conformity" implies a very interesting notion! It’s one of those concepts that can serve many topics and make them seem flawed and perfect, both at the same time! "Conformity" keeps provoking controversy and divisiveness. There are lectures that speak about "Conformity Controversy" where the argument is that: conforming to personal values holds merit — but social conformity, well, complicated!

Those who benefit most from normalcy and routine are naturally the most interested in stagnation, and they always try to seek allies in the traditional and established arrangements. Sometimes conformity is because of lack of courage. Many people suppress their ideas, hopes, and dreams because they’re afraid to stand out and draw attention to themselves. Conformity always includes a threat of punishment if you fail to fit in, whether it comes from ridicule, being ignored by others, or direct confrontation.

In today’s society, mainstream and pop culture are the forces of conformity. These elements vehemently spread and defend the notion of "more is better" — whether "more" means more money, greater power, or better social status. Being who and what you are is the most natural thing there is. To suppress it, whether through fear, yielding to social norms, or lack of confidence in your own ability always leads to trouble. That’s why millions of people today lead lives of frustration and desperation. They denied who they are in the hope that they would be rewarded by conforming to cushy social routines. Unexpectedly, their reward was mediocrity, depression and a nagging sense of hopelessness.

In such environment, a subgroup of conformists rebel out here and there – and want to be different. They call themselves non-conformists but they are just maladjusted to status quo. Outstanding thinkers and intellectuals are alike in two things: they’re usually non-conformists on an epic scale, and they display a deep trust in the basic goodness, intelligence, and capacity for development of their fellow human beings.

In my view, conformity implies a fundamental mistrust of others. I believe there’s a more fundamental power behind the urgency with which authoritarian popularity seeks to suppress individuality. That power is lack of trust.

" … For as long as humans have existed, non-conformists have had a rough time! Society seems to need and fear non-conformists in equal measure. The forces of the status quo have always been strong. So when society forces you into a bland or acceptable mold, you naturally turn elsewhere to find an outlet to maintain your own uniqueness. For a very tiny group, that’s what matters most! Only those with the courage openly to live their dreams can ever hope to find lasting satisfaction with their lives. After all, mediocrity and inner frustration are the true price of conforming … "

Last Saturday, I pensively walked into the Silver Platters store in downtown Seattle hoping to find the new album from Keane. The place, which has zillions of CD racks, looks like the creepy warehouse in Sopranos where James Gandolfini (Soprano) and Tony Sirico (Paulie) go to whack one of Johnny Sack’s guys.

In a bedazzled and trancelike moment, while listening to a groovy background song from Chris Rea, something surreal popped into my head. I thought, if music says things that words cannot, what are those things? They have to have something to do with our most intimate experiences and deepest feelings. Looking at the CD racks, I overdramatically thought how many hearts have been broken for these many track? Who betrayed who? Who lost a dear one? Who’s had a thorny upbringing? Who’s been mad, sad, or frustrated? Who’s in love? Who fell out of love? Who’s about to fall in love? Who’s in pain as a result of others’ pain?

Like every other aspects of our lives these things are hard to define. Love, hate, betrayal, deception, birth, infidelity, and loss of a dear one will introduce experiences of such effects – where one can only express his/her stance and posture thru the harmony of inner voices from a sea of possibilities. Music has a long pedigree of transforming individuals, I don’t relate to people who take it absentmindedly!

Even Paulie liked good music.

Recently, I have been thinking about flaky people quite a bit! Flaky individuals are indeed a turn-off. On the surface, they seem indecisive, opportunistic, selfish, and irresolute – none of which being an attractive trait for social, or even, personal life. In depth, they want to feel comfortable by being overly protective of their time and space. They want to contact you on their own terms. They love one-way and inconsequential communication methods such as text messages, voice mails, and emails – because none of these enforces anyone to provide an answer to anything.

Some might assume decisive individuals to be assertive. Some might expect flaky people to be undone – but the fact of the matter is that when things do not feel normal, the rules of everyday life do not apply. In such situation, friendships fade away, quality people disappear, and the crust of the society blossoms in your life. For some being a flake-off has become a part of who they are, and even though it hurts them, it has nothing to do with others. If you’re flaky, more often than not, people will give you your space and they see you when they see you, or they tell you about it and if it doesn’t get better, they don’t really bother associating with you – and usually without them doing anything, you kind of drop out of their lives because that’d leave room for meticulous people!

I believe, flaky individuals are certainly wrapped up in something concerning self … the question is: what? I don’t know! It could be a different reason for each person. But I do know that these individuals have the following assumptions in the back of their heads:

 

• I know people will be disappointed, but they love me enough to come back
• It’s ok if my disappointed friends go away, I’ll find new people

This way of thinking is just tedious and inapt. The premises of these arguments are: I’m divine, loveable, and I continue to be one. Or even worse: disappointing others doesn’t bother me.

… Oh boy! If that’s the case, get ready to take pleasure in the company you keep in the empty moments!

 

I’m just too mellow nowadays. For me: work, soccer, music, and crappy business trips sum it all up … so many flaming emails asking why I don’t write as frequently as before! In fact, I am writing a long story … but you need to bear with me for another week or so. Here are some random notes inspired by observing people … they have been swirling around my head for a while.

Intelligence:
If you ask ten people what intelligence actually is, you will get twelve different answers. The most common answers map to one being: smart, brainy, strategic, sharp, clever, gifted, or having the ability to read the consequent moves. Maybe right, maybe wrong, I don’t know: for me intelligence is hardly any of the above. I don’t believe anyone is born with the gift of intelligence. It is not something that was given to you by the mother nature. Sure enough, you could be clever, witty, sharp, and quick with words and all that – but those traits don’t make you intelligent. In my view, intelligence entails a deep element of learning, as well as, the ability to apply learned knowledge in different circumstances. Intelligence is a multi faceted attribute that injects itself in the way of thinking, communicating, and strategizing. It’s indeed challenging to point out who is intelligent, but sadly, it’s easy to identify who is not. Anyone who continuously talks and rarely listens is barely intelligent.

Ego:
Ego is about an overblown sense of superiority that hides one’s desperate need for validation by others. Ego and insecurity are two sides of the same coin. Human beings are competitive in nature. In that context, notions of self-esteem and self-worth become significant for some. Self-esteem is an inbound perception which is a function of many variables such as environment, culture, and upbringing. Self-worth is an outbound belief when one needs to know oneself well-enough to place value on his/her own uniqueness. Egoistic individuals who have a puffed up sense of self and try to portray it thru ostentatious notions, know very little about themselves. Poor them!

Curiosity:
Everything-handed-on-a-silver-platter type of people have the least amount of curiosity! By definition, curiosity is a voluntary thirst and desire for exploring knowledge. Curiosity subsists proactive measures that are set off by enthusiasm and motivation. If everything is provided for you, generally speaking – you’ll have the least amount of desire to go out and explore ways to obtain them yourself. Curiosity is a very attractive characteristic that is hardly seen in people with high sense of entitlement.

 

 

Last Saturday I was home with one of my friends waiting to go to my birthday dinner. At the same time we were watching people who were walking up and down the street. For one moment, we thought why some people have no or a very wrong sense of fashion – which at core is a function of many variables such as gender, age, physical features, and so on.

I thought to write down some fashion faux pas as I see them. Just some friendly fashion guidance for men and women:

 

• – Women: No baseball cap please! It’s so 80s on the muscle beach. It’s even more disgusting when some women stick out their ponytail from the hole in back of the cap
• – Men: No man over 30 should carry a backpack. Find something better to deal with your mid-age crisis
• – Women: No muffin tops. Ok? Use a skirt rather, it makes you look much classier
• – Men: no backward baseball cap over 30. Putting a baseball cap backward doesn’t make you look cool
• – Women: No white flip-flops. They get dirty and look gross
• – Men: no sweat pants with elastic around the bottom. It makes you look like you’re constantly farting
• – Women: No nervous eating on a first date. It makes you look like a pig. Not sexy!
• – Men: Wearing a ring on the pinky finger is shabby. Generally, not too much jewelry on men.
• – Women: No charms on your thong underwear. It’s even worse when it sticks out of your pants
• – Men: No slim fit t-shirt when you have a belly.
• – Women: no burping in public. If you burp after a beer or two, try to drink wine the next time you go out
• – Men: No skullet! It makes you look freaky specially when you wear a wife-beater.

 

Avoiding online chatting is my new catharsis. I have been ignoring my messenger tool for a few weeks now! For me, the effect of such communication has been rather reverse. I know it’s weird for me to say this. After all, I helped creating and running some of the components of such tool several years ago!

I’ve never communicated with any of my coworkers thru messenger because that’s not a place for them. They could email, call, or even walk in to my office if they need me. I prefer face-to-face interaction when there is a potential for misunderstanding. I work in an environment where some self-proclaimed smart people compete to walk on each other.

More than a few dozen of my tech-savvy friends and acquaintances are included in my messenger list but some of them use it to prove a point that they wouldn’t otherwise know how to convey. I venture to say that IM becomes really handy for insecure people – because where the weight of face-to-face quarrel is lifted, the otherwise lethargic jenny is out of the bottle … Ladies and gents: meet the monster.

Any form of communication without manners is pathetic. Communication by definition is the process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. The exchange needs both transmission and reception. If you send the message, communication isn’t complete. The other party at the other end has to receive it, and accept it. Your manners will help the reception otherwise: the receiver might flip the bird on you on the other end, and you on this end think: s/he accepted it. Manners is about our awareness of the feelings of others.

"The newest computer can merely compound the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem of: What to say and How to say it!" … Edward R. Murrow