I was never a huge fan of post-relationship gymnastics as I believed it’d drive all sort of behavior that’d run counter to the much required emotional stability. I used to believe that [my past experiences are arguments without ends – because premises of such arguments are impacted by my sense of self — and because the other parties are not fully there to argue against my premises]. Even worse, I always thought Ms. ex transforms so much that I have a hard time believing she is the same person! So keep the distance …

No more!

I now believe that I should be somewhat communicative post relationship! Make no mistake, I still strongly believe that all of the above are valid and I can add a few more basis if I were to get overdramatic. The change of mind however comes from ripeness and (may I say) audacity! I’m now thinking: previous lovers will morosely disappoint you either by flattering themselves or portraying that their entire life has copiously improved after the separation. But isn’t that just a silly defense mechanism? … even if these claims are true, such manner (or lack thereof) gets a single digit score in a triple digit scale of emotional intelligence.

Maintaining dislike and distance takes a lot of energy! Even worse, you become what you practice in a long run. If the heart isn’t grateful, it makes you sob since there is always this duplicity when you’re not accurate to your feelings. If not now, when? I not us, who?

"Adam ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It’s a shame we ran out of apples" …

 

Deception is not a crime! It’s more like a sullen song sung in the round without appropriate practice. It is hard even to level the charge of deception without becoming guilty of it yourself. You get involve in forgetting to practice what you preached. You break your own rules. You Conceal, you Cover Up.

Traditional families are very interesting in some aspects. On the one hand, family values, deference, and education are profoundly present. On the other hand, these families are majorly tribal with the tiniest sense of individuality and self-assessment. Respect means absolute abidance to the point of inanity and without any reasonable discourse. Loyalty stands for sightlessly sticking with your tribe members even if they hold zero right on the matter. Fairness is a concept utterly up for grabs. Judgment is what other tribe members think of you or any other issue for that matter.

In such judgmental environment, people tend to hide everything that’s assumed disapproving, and then brag that they’re better than other members of the tribe, sadly, based on the premise that no one is aware of their dirty laundry. How deceiving!!!

What about the deceived? … As any number of disheartened can testify, the arrogant and righteous have the most trouble finding forgiveness when the mistake, duly confirmed, is their own. If there is an answer to the sharp pain associated with being deceived: it is humility, forgiveness, and taking the higher road. Just admitting the possibility of weakness can be a source of strength.

A Mende proverb says "The other who tells My Story when I’m unable to speak, not only awakens my spirit and heart but also shows my humanity which others want to forget"

Big Up yourself!

 

 

How do we know when determination and persistence on a specific subject is not of use anymore? Today, I was thinking if the positive spirit of persistency is a good enough reason to keep pushing and hoping that things will come together even though nothing has been changing!

Unfortunately there are no easy answers! Sometimes while things are not where you want them to be, not everything is all that bad and there is still something there that keeps you around. In order to figure out what to do next, you should think long and hard about the things that are giving you pause. Can you get over what is bothering you when you persist on a matter -or- will it only bother you more as time goes by? In this situation, you should think about how long you are going to keep on pushing and sticking with the hope that things are going to change. Where is the line? You don’t want to be a quitter but at the same time clueless persistence to the point of inanity doesn’t seem right either!

A healthy sense of optimism is founded on the idea that one can see a reasonable progress over a sensible period of time. By creating a situation where we lose track of time but we keep hoping for change, I would argue that this will cause individuals to disregard thinking about other far-fetched ideas and issues. The net result of irrational and undying persistence is loss of creative thoughts and positive view on life.

I want to thank my loving parents, brother, and sister (Kayvun & Katayoon) for calling me every day to make sure that I’m fine. And also I want to express gratitude to my auntie Afsaneh who is one of my best friends.

My dear aunts (Azar & Ela’ahe) and cousins (Shermeen, Sheila, Elham, and Mahsa) I love you all and I hope to see you soon. 
 

 

February 23rd, 2005: As I was getting ready to come back to Seattle, I went over Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house to see her one more time and say bye. We chatted for a couple of hours, drank some tea, shared some old stories, and a few laughs. On the way out while she was playfully staring at me, she shared a wicked blink, a head tilt, and a moment of silence. Then, she leaned forward, patted my shoulder, and with a trembling voice whispered into my ear "What if we don’t see each other again!?"

When I was a young boy, I remember my parents used to take my brother, my sister, and I to my grandmother’s house every Friday evening. Those old happy days when all we thought about was: what meaningless subject to laugh at, next! My youngest aunt, Afsaneh, who is only six years older than me was the boss — telling us what to do, where to sit, and what game to play. The common story of those days, which to this day all of my cousins make fun of, is: no matter what Kamran ate or how much, he was always craving Bread and Cheese as soon as he walked in to Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house. My grandmother’s house that is.

Mamaan-Afsaneh (my dad’s mom) was a retired high-school principal. My mom used to be one of the teachers in the high-school where Mamaan-Afsaneh was working! Mamaan-Afsaneh was the role-model for most of the women in the family. My aunts and a few of my cousins went down the same path to become teachers and principals! Mamaan-Afsaneh was strong, opinionated, and at times hesitant to show emotions. She would communicate thru analogies that could be far from the facts, and at times, needed extensive amount of thinking and comprehension to grasp. She was very logical, wise, and in most occasions unrighteously right – but no one ever heard her saying "I told you so". A few years after she had divorced my grandfather, she married another gentleman whose life didn’t last long, sadly, so she ended up living most of her life as a single mother of five acting as both parents.

… many years went by in the same way more or less …

I was twelve when Afsaneh, the youngest child of my grandmother left her house to go abroad and live in Paris! Mamaan-Afsaneh felt very lonely all of a sudden … then one day and after a long conversation between my parents and I, we all decided that I leave my parents house and start living with my grandmother. My mom was very worried that my rebellious nature needed constant supervision and so she wanted to make sure that Mamaan-Afsaneh is aware of the fact. When my mom communicated her concerns to my grandmother, with a confident tone and dignified look, Mamaan-Afsaneh responded to my mom’s apprehension by saying "Don’t Worry! I have taken care of two hundred kids like him in the high-school!".

During those years living with Mamaan-Afsaneh, I became closer and closer to her … so much so that she made sure we always had bread and cheese in the house, and also to my surprise, she never revealed to my parents that I had girlfriends. I obviously got to know her directly and without any influence! I came to realize that my grandmother was truly a loving, caring, and sensitive mother who had always been worried about her children’s happiness and well-being. Her strong persona was reflective of the fact that she had to do all the work by herself and without any help.

After almost six years living with my grandmother, I left her house to go abroad and live in a foreign country, too! She was not very happy about me leaving because she could no more have any of her then-fairly-grownup grandchildren to live with her. I had a guilty-conscience leaving her but she was constantly and considerately reminding me "You must go and take care of your education". Leaving Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house was practically the end of my daily interaction with her. Afterwards, I only had the opportunity to see her once or twice in a few years when I went back to Tehran for a visit.

Fatimah Khosro-Bayge (a.k.a. Mamaan-Afsaneh) was born on December of 1921 in Tehran. She passed away peacefully on the morning of April 1st, 2007 in her own house having all of her children at her side! Most of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were able to be around during her last days. I’m her second eldest grandchild and I was not there! My visit of February 2005 happened to be the last time I saw Mamaan-Afsaneh. She was characteristically, and yet again, right!! After all, Mamaan-Afsaneh and I didn’t get to see each other again. I now have to wait to see her in the better place, but I wonder, if this time she’s going to say "I told you so"

 

One of my previous postings (Seattle Love Cycle – Hormonally Yours) generated a slew of emails and feedbacks. I asked myself: why don’t I receive such feedback on other postings? … The messages included both agreements and disagreements and there was one central theme asking/telling me about the solution. I don’t write about love and relationship. If I do, there should be a veiled dark humor somewhere in it in addition to the fact that my past track-record proves my inability of fully understanding relationships. All that being said, arbitrary observations and common sense suggest a few common themes in lasting relationships:

> Repeated Experience – A long or lasting relationship is mostly a repeated experience after the first few years. There won’t be much up and down as it relates to emotional or basic human needs. Occasional boredom is a part of any long experience whether it is our career, family, or other forms of continual association. Some people take this repeated-experience as a negative sign and try to challenge it by doing "exciting things" that might stress out the relationship. Excitement is not the only form of happiness. Peace of mind and consistency are also contributing to happiness. Long and repeated experiences are about peace of mind more than anything else.

> Selflessness – The essence of love is self-giving, the surrender of one. This is something different from and more than attraction. These are all the ways by which one person goes out towards another. To give oneself to another is something more than merely desiring what is good for another. It’s about this another becomes "I" as it were my own. Then the question arises whether any person can give himself or herself to another because everyone is always, of one’s very nature, protective. Self surrender as a form of love is the result of a process within the person, and presupposes a mature vision of values, and a will ready and able to commit itself in this particular way.

> Responsibility – Phrases like "You only live once", "This is about you so do your best to be happy", "you didn’t fail, the relationship ended" … expose the idea to make it all about "You" without placing any responsibility on "You". These expressions are just too simplistic, on-dimensional, and naive means to comfort you – temporarily I must add! I find these pseudo-advisers to be narcissistically self-involved. Where is the sense of accountability in this logic? Responsibility in a relationship is simply the affirmation of another person’s value and well-being in the most careful way. There is no fine line between responsibility and selflessness. This is one of those thick gray lines … and the only way to know where this line resides, is to cross it!

… … This line is about understanding that responsibility, the most selfless of all obsessions, is only another name for love.

(to my charming parents, the most selfless-beings of all)

 

> an email message inspired this posting …

Listening is one of the most important forms of art. I personally learn through listening and to a lesser extent reading and observing. I’ve always believed in the power of words and the way the message is framed -or- the discussion is structured.

I believe good listening makes it easier to build trust, rapport, and confidence. Listening is time well spent in my view. Listening is not just what we heard, it’s also what we understood. We can express that we’re actually engaged in the conversation and we’re paying attention by:

"Attending": By head nods or eye contact. This shows you are paying attention to the other party. We should never look around when someone is talking to us without providing explanation.

"Paraphrasing": By reflecting back key words and messages. We should reflect back the content and the emotion of what the speaker is saying. Paraphrasing shows that you have understood the main message.

"Summarizing": or recapping is used to call out the main points and provide focus to the conversation. I try to summarize after several pieces of information have been disclosed.

"Clarifying": By asking questions. I think this ensures understanding and gain more detail about the subject. I make sure to clarify information that is vague or unclear before proceeding to the next point.

…………. We should listen, let’s the words swirl around our heads, and then form an opinion.

What is stability as it relates to us? How do we measure it? Who is stable? Does it have something to do with one’s state of mind or status? I didn’t like someone yesterday, I reexamined my reasons and the facts today, and I might like that person tomorrow. Does that make me emotionally or philosophically unstable? On a broader scope, is it wrong to examine things you believed in your entire life – specially as in one’s case if they were shoved into one’s head when s/he was three? Does the capacity of critical thinking make you an unstable person?

I happen to believe that critical thinkers have less conceit – and that doesn’t mean their actions are completely blemish free.

Obvious aspects of stability in today’s society are perceived to be style, physical appearance, and financial strength. But the most important aspects of stability (which frankly not many people have) are: state of mind, confidence, listening attitude, and introspection.

Just because some people are doing all the talking doesn’t mean they are the most stable. And remember: if someone "seems" to be stable today doesn’t mean they will be so forever, or tomorrow for that matter.

Human-beings are extremely social, insecure, and susceptible. Unfortunately, this could lead many of us to attach importance on other people’s opinions. So it becomes easy to go from super-stable to flat-out unstable. In my view, reasonable volatility blended with introspection is not a negative trait.

The secret to survival is to question and critic yourself -but- not give damn when others question you!

I feel guilty and blameworthy today. It’s that state of mind that one feels remorse caused by perception of responsibility for some committed offense or hurt towards another person. I’m angry at myself for feeling this way because guilt is like a heavy suitcase handcuffed to you full of regret and disappointment. Guilt doesn’t let you move, think, or concentrate. It stands in the way of your revival.

At times, guilt is described as the inability to forgive oneself for a perceived wrongdoing. The wrongdoing may or may not have had negative consequences for others. If others were involved, they may or may not still be hurt. A wrongdoing may be an action, a thought, or even what we said to someone. If the wrongdoing was an action, you probably think of it as a mistake. You feel guilty for the wrongdoing because you cannot forgive yourself for it.

If you speak to your therapist, they try to convince you that the root-cause of a perceived guilt could be lack of self-esteem, perfectionist tendencies, tendency to be depressed, frequent anxiety, or a possible need to be in control. For me the root-cause is certainly none of the above! I’m convinced that the guilt I’m feeling, is neither perceived nor justified. The wrongdoing is related to the things I said to someone. Silly things I wish I had never said. Thoughtless points that caused anguish to a hopeful person. Now I’m just hoping the hurt is either cured or no longer there.

Sometimes we try to the mend the fences by going back and trying to explain, convince, or express regret – but the opportunity might no longer be there. The person we hurt might have been changed and we should expect to face indifference and negligence. The damage is done. The only available option is to acknowledge, take responsibility, and move on.

Sometimes in life, it’s important to pause every now and then and look back – even if every step of the path might feel right. I look back and do see that I would have done a few things differently, if I could. When I want to look forward, I want to see a line that’s going somewhere – not a bunch of random dots that might, sadly, illustrate an elusive line. So, scary as it is, I’m stepping off this path and choosing a new one, even if the destination of the new path is much less clear than the old one and there are no guarantees that I’ll be happier with where it leads.

This is about acknowledging and responding to another part of me. The part I never thought existed.

Have you recently had one of those depressing Seattle days? Every Seattleite certainly has one of those days every now and then! In those days, you feel nothing less than a miserable, disconnected, and insignificant creature who worth nothing. You feel like all of your previous decisions have been mistakes and that’s why you are where you are. These thoughts get more and more complicated and at the end you start wearing out your self-esteem. On those days, you’re so sad that it feels like you just returned from your own funeral.

The gloomy Seattle weather has something to do with it, so do Seattleites. One of my friends said it best "Seattle is like that popular girl in high school. The one who gets your vote for homecoming queen because she always smiles and says hello. But she doesn’t know your name and doesn’t care to. She doesn’t want to be your friend. She’s just being nice."

In Seattle we do a lot of things alone and without a sense of community. More than three-quarters of people participate in an individual sport but only 13 percent play on a team. We ride bikes alone; go on walks alone; troll bookstores alone, then go home and read alone having a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Coordinating a dinner with a friend seems like a shoddy effort because traveling from the Eastside to Westside (~5-7 miles) is, in the eyes of many, a huge undertaking.

Seattle has some elements of a boring place during this time of the year. But the bigger problem is its people – most of whom being transplants from other places who decided to attend lovers and other strangers’ funerals.