Recently, I have been thinking about flaky people quite a bit! Flaky individuals are indeed a turn-off. On the surface, they seem indecisive, opportunistic, selfish, and irresolute – none of which being an attractive trait for social, or even, personal life. In depth, they want to feel comfortable by being overly protective of their time and space. They want to contact you on their own terms. They love one-way and inconsequential communication methods such as text messages, voice mails, and emails – because none of these enforces anyone to provide an answer to anything.

Some might assume decisive individuals to be assertive. Some might expect flaky people to be undone – but the fact of the matter is that when things do not feel normal, the rules of everyday life do not apply. In such situation, friendships fade away, quality people disappear, and the crust of the society blossoms in your life. For some being a flake-off has become a part of who they are, and even though it hurts them, it has nothing to do with others. If you’re flaky, more often than not, people will give you your space and they see you when they see you, or they tell you about it and if it doesn’t get better, they don’t really bother associating with you – and usually without them doing anything, you kind of drop out of their lives because that’d leave room for meticulous people!

I believe, flaky individuals are certainly wrapped up in something concerning self … the question is: what? I don’t know! It could be a different reason for each person. But I do know that these individuals have the following assumptions in the back of their heads:

 

• I know people will be disappointed, but they love me enough to come back
• It’s ok if my disappointed friends go away, I’ll find new people

This way of thinking is just tedious and inapt. The premises of these arguments are: I’m divine, loveable, and I continue to be one. Or even worse: disappointing others doesn’t bother me.

… Oh boy! If that’s the case, get ready to take pleasure in the company you keep in the empty moments!

 

I’m just too mellow nowadays. For me: work, soccer, music, and crappy business trips sum it all up … so many flaming emails asking why I don’t write as frequently as before! In fact, I am writing a long story … but you need to bear with me for another week or so. Here are some random notes inspired by observing people … they have been swirling around my head for a while.

Intelligence:
If you ask ten people what intelligence actually is, you will get twelve different answers. The most common answers map to one being: smart, brainy, strategic, sharp, clever, gifted, or having the ability to read the consequent moves. Maybe right, maybe wrong, I don’t know: for me intelligence is hardly any of the above. I don’t believe anyone is born with the gift of intelligence. It is not something that was given to you by the mother nature. Sure enough, you could be clever, witty, sharp, and quick with words and all that – but those traits don’t make you intelligent. In my view, intelligence entails a deep element of learning, as well as, the ability to apply learned knowledge in different circumstances. Intelligence is a multi faceted attribute that injects itself in the way of thinking, communicating, and strategizing. It’s indeed challenging to point out who is intelligent, but sadly, it’s easy to identify who is not. Anyone who continuously talks and rarely listens is barely intelligent.

Ego:
Ego is about an overblown sense of superiority that hides one’s desperate need for validation by others. Ego and insecurity are two sides of the same coin. Human beings are competitive in nature. In that context, notions of self-esteem and self-worth become significant for some. Self-esteem is an inbound perception which is a function of many variables such as environment, culture, and upbringing. Self-worth is an outbound belief when one needs to know oneself well-enough to place value on his/her own uniqueness. Egoistic individuals who have a puffed up sense of self and try to portray it thru ostentatious notions, know very little about themselves. Poor them!

Curiosity:
Everything-handed-on-a-silver-platter type of people have the least amount of curiosity! By definition, curiosity is a voluntary thirst and desire for exploring knowledge. Curiosity subsists proactive measures that are set off by enthusiasm and motivation. If everything is provided for you, generally speaking – you’ll have the least amount of desire to go out and explore ways to obtain them yourself. Curiosity is a very attractive characteristic that is hardly seen in people with high sense of entitlement.

 

 

Last Saturday I was home with one of my friends waiting to go to my birthday dinner. At the same time we were watching people who were walking up and down the street. For one moment, we thought why some people have no or a very wrong sense of fashion – which at core is a function of many variables such as gender, age, physical features, and so on.

I thought to write down some fashion faux pas as I see them. Just some friendly fashion guidance for men and women:

 

• – Women: No baseball cap please! It’s so 80s on the muscle beach. It’s even more disgusting when some women stick out their ponytail from the hole in back of the cap
• – Men: No man over 30 should carry a backpack. Find something better to deal with your mid-age crisis
• – Women: No muffin tops. Ok? Use a skirt rather, it makes you look much classier
• – Men: no backward baseball cap over 30. Putting a baseball cap backward doesn’t make you look cool
• – Women: No white flip-flops. They get dirty and look gross
• – Men: no sweat pants with elastic around the bottom. It makes you look like you’re constantly farting
• – Women: No nervous eating on a first date. It makes you look like a pig. Not sexy!
• – Men: Wearing a ring on the pinky finger is shabby. Generally, not too much jewelry on men.
• – Women: No charms on your thong underwear. It’s even worse when it sticks out of your pants
• – Men: No slim fit t-shirt when you have a belly.
• – Women: no burping in public. If you burp after a beer or two, try to drink wine the next time you go out
• – Men: No skullet! It makes you look freaky specially when you wear a wife-beater.

 

Avoiding online chatting is my new catharsis. I have been ignoring my messenger tool for a few weeks now! For me, the effect of such communication has been rather reverse. I know it’s weird for me to say this. After all, I helped creating and running some of the components of such tool several years ago!

I’ve never communicated with any of my coworkers thru messenger because that’s not a place for them. They could email, call, or even walk in to my office if they need me. I prefer face-to-face interaction when there is a potential for misunderstanding. I work in an environment where some self-proclaimed smart people compete to walk on each other.

More than a few dozen of my tech-savvy friends and acquaintances are included in my messenger list but some of them use it to prove a point that they wouldn’t otherwise know how to convey. I venture to say that IM becomes really handy for insecure people – because where the weight of face-to-face quarrel is lifted, the otherwise lethargic jenny is out of the bottle … Ladies and gents: meet the monster.

Any form of communication without manners is pathetic. Communication by definition is the process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. The exchange needs both transmission and reception. If you send the message, communication isn’t complete. The other party at the other end has to receive it, and accept it. Your manners will help the reception otherwise: the receiver might flip the bird on you on the other end, and you on this end think: s/he accepted it. Manners is about our awareness of the feelings of others.

"The newest computer can merely compound the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem of: What to say and How to say it!" … Edward R. Murrow

 

I was never a huge fan of post-relationship gymnastics as I believed it’d drive all sort of behavior that’d run counter to the much required emotional stability. I used to believe that [my past experiences are arguments without ends – because premises of such arguments are impacted by my sense of self — and because the other parties are not fully there to argue against my premises]. Even worse, I always thought Ms. ex transforms so much that I have a hard time believing she is the same person! So keep the distance …

No more!

I now believe that I should be somewhat communicative post relationship! Make no mistake, I still strongly believe that all of the above are valid and I can add a few more basis if I were to get overdramatic. The change of mind however comes from ripeness and (may I say) audacity! I’m now thinking: previous lovers will morosely disappoint you either by flattering themselves or portraying that their entire life has copiously improved after the separation. But isn’t that just a silly defense mechanism? … even if these claims are true, such manner (or lack thereof) gets a single digit score in a triple digit scale of emotional intelligence.

Maintaining dislike and distance takes a lot of energy! Even worse, you become what you practice in a long run. If the heart isn’t grateful, it makes you sob since there is always this duplicity when you’re not accurate to your feelings. If not now, when? I not us, who?

"Adam ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It’s a shame we ran out of apples" …

 

Deception is not a crime! It’s more like a sullen song sung in the round without appropriate practice. It is hard even to level the charge of deception without becoming guilty of it yourself. You get involve in forgetting to practice what you preached. You break your own rules. You Conceal, you Cover Up.

Traditional families are very interesting in some aspects. On the one hand, family values, deference, and education are profoundly present. On the other hand, these families are majorly tribal with the tiniest sense of individuality and self-assessment. Respect means absolute abidance to the point of inanity and without any reasonable discourse. Loyalty stands for sightlessly sticking with your tribe members even if they hold zero right on the matter. Fairness is a concept utterly up for grabs. Judgment is what other tribe members think of you or any other issue for that matter.

In such judgmental environment, people tend to hide everything that’s assumed disapproving, and then brag that they’re better than other members of the tribe, sadly, based on the premise that no one is aware of their dirty laundry. How deceiving!!!

What about the deceived? … As any number of disheartened can testify, the arrogant and righteous have the most trouble finding forgiveness when the mistake, duly confirmed, is their own. If there is an answer to the sharp pain associated with being deceived: it is humility, forgiveness, and taking the higher road. Just admitting the possibility of weakness can be a source of strength.

A Mende proverb says "The other who tells My Story when I’m unable to speak, not only awakens my spirit and heart but also shows my humanity which others want to forget"

Big Up yourself!

 

 

How do we know when determination and persistence on a specific subject is not of use anymore? Today, I was thinking if the positive spirit of persistency is a good enough reason to keep pushing and hoping that things will come together even though nothing has been changing!

Unfortunately there are no easy answers! Sometimes while things are not where you want them to be, not everything is all that bad and there is still something there that keeps you around. In order to figure out what to do next, you should think long and hard about the things that are giving you pause. Can you get over what is bothering you when you persist on a matter -or- will it only bother you more as time goes by? In this situation, you should think about how long you are going to keep on pushing and sticking with the hope that things are going to change. Where is the line? You don’t want to be a quitter but at the same time clueless persistence to the point of inanity doesn’t seem right either!

A healthy sense of optimism is founded on the idea that one can see a reasonable progress over a sensible period of time. By creating a situation where we lose track of time but we keep hoping for change, I would argue that this will cause individuals to disregard thinking about other far-fetched ideas and issues. The net result of irrational and undying persistence is loss of creative thoughts and positive view on life.

I want to thank my loving parents, brother, and sister (Kayvun & Katayoon) for calling me every day to make sure that I’m fine. And also I want to express gratitude to my auntie Afsaneh who is one of my best friends.

My dear aunts (Azar & Ela’ahe) and cousins (Shermeen, Sheila, Elham, and Mahsa) I love you all and I hope to see you soon. 
 

 

February 23rd, 2005: As I was getting ready to come back to Seattle, I went over Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house to see her one more time and say bye. We chatted for a couple of hours, drank some tea, shared some old stories, and a few laughs. On the way out while she was playfully staring at me, she shared a wicked blink, a head tilt, and a moment of silence. Then, she leaned forward, patted my shoulder, and with a trembling voice whispered into my ear "What if we don’t see each other again!?"

When I was a young boy, I remember my parents used to take my brother, my sister, and I to my grandmother’s house every Friday evening. Those old happy days when all we thought about was: what meaningless subject to laugh at, next! My youngest aunt, Afsaneh, who is only six years older than me was the boss — telling us what to do, where to sit, and what game to play. The common story of those days, which to this day all of my cousins make fun of, is: no matter what Kamran ate or how much, he was always craving Bread and Cheese as soon as he walked in to Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house. My grandmother’s house that is.

Mamaan-Afsaneh (my dad’s mom) was a retired high-school principal. My mom used to be one of the teachers in the high-school where Mamaan-Afsaneh was working! Mamaan-Afsaneh was the role-model for most of the women in the family. My aunts and a few of my cousins went down the same path to become teachers and principals! Mamaan-Afsaneh was strong, opinionated, and at times hesitant to show emotions. She would communicate thru analogies that could be far from the facts, and at times, needed extensive amount of thinking and comprehension to grasp. She was very logical, wise, and in most occasions unrighteously right – but no one ever heard her saying "I told you so". A few years after she had divorced my grandfather, she married another gentleman whose life didn’t last long, sadly, so she ended up living most of her life as a single mother of five acting as both parents.

… many years went by in the same way more or less …

I was twelve when Afsaneh, the youngest child of my grandmother left her house to go abroad and live in Paris! Mamaan-Afsaneh felt very lonely all of a sudden … then one day and after a long conversation between my parents and I, we all decided that I leave my parents house and start living with my grandmother. My mom was very worried that my rebellious nature needed constant supervision and so she wanted to make sure that Mamaan-Afsaneh is aware of the fact. When my mom communicated her concerns to my grandmother, with a confident tone and dignified look, Mamaan-Afsaneh responded to my mom’s apprehension by saying "Don’t Worry! I have taken care of two hundred kids like him in the high-school!".

During those years living with Mamaan-Afsaneh, I became closer and closer to her … so much so that she made sure we always had bread and cheese in the house, and also to my surprise, she never revealed to my parents that I had girlfriends. I obviously got to know her directly and without any influence! I came to realize that my grandmother was truly a loving, caring, and sensitive mother who had always been worried about her children’s happiness and well-being. Her strong persona was reflective of the fact that she had to do all the work by herself and without any help.

After almost six years living with my grandmother, I left her house to go abroad and live in a foreign country, too! She was not very happy about me leaving because she could no more have any of her then-fairly-grownup grandchildren to live with her. I had a guilty-conscience leaving her but she was constantly and considerately reminding me "You must go and take care of your education". Leaving Mamaan-Afsaneh’s house was practically the end of my daily interaction with her. Afterwards, I only had the opportunity to see her once or twice in a few years when I went back to Tehran for a visit.

Fatimah Khosro-Bayge (a.k.a. Mamaan-Afsaneh) was born on December of 1921 in Tehran. She passed away peacefully on the morning of April 1st, 2007 in her own house having all of her children at her side! Most of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were able to be around during her last days. I’m her second eldest grandchild and I was not there! My visit of February 2005 happened to be the last time I saw Mamaan-Afsaneh. She was characteristically, and yet again, right!! After all, Mamaan-Afsaneh and I didn’t get to see each other again. I now have to wait to see her in the better place, but I wonder, if this time she’s going to say "I told you so"